Unapologetic (A Novel) Read online

  I was too enthralled at the taste of him and the feel of his strength and his powerful body working its magic on me. Thank goodness some divine intervention had saved me from any more embarrassment.

  Crestfallen, I spun around to face him the moment we reached my door. The soft glow of the hallway lights made his chiseled features seem softer yet more lethal to my senses. One look of that feral gaze he just gave me made me quiver inside. How could he still have so much power over me?

  Letting my eyes drop to study the strong muscles of his neck, I unknowingly began to lick my lips, parched for reasons I dared not openly admit. “River, listen—”

  “I’m leaving for Ireland tomorrow to shoot the final film of TVM.” He grazed my cheek with his thumb, seeming to test my reaction at the feel of his touch. Our eyes met, and I couldn’t feel or see anything. Only him and those feral, stormy eyes that never failed to draw me in. “Do you mind if I text you from time to time?”

  Text. He didn’t outright say call, which meant he was treading lightly, knowing well enough that I would immediately reject it. I wasn’t sure if I should be comforted by that thought.

  “If you want to, I guess.” Texting was harmless, though it was his grand gesture of wanting to keep in touch because I wouldn’t give him anything more.

  A soft smile broke from his lips. I was so absorbed by it that I didn’t notice he had reached out to hold my hand. I simply stood there like a breathless idiot before he bent over to softly kiss my knuckle, his lips sweetly caressing my skin. When he finished, he didn’t release my hand. He took a moment to gaze upon my face, looking at me as though it would break him if he dared to stop. When I thought it would never end, he granted me with a wounded smile and murmured, “Sleep well, my petal.”

  Blanketed with darkness, I blushed from head to foot. That pet name represented how much he had once loved me. And as much as I wanted him to stop using it, I had no fight left in me tonight.

  “Safe travels to you and take care.”

  He responded with a curt nod before he retreated, leaving me staring back at him, walking away while I remained in my frozen position, wondering if I achieved what I aimed to gain by meeting him tonight.

  All I knew was that River Ellis had somehow managed to remind me that I still had a heart—a beating one at that.

  Chapter Four

  Sleep eluded me. I tossed and turned, grunting and groaning in frustration while I loudly cursed myself as my mind raced, recalling the events at River’s home. More importantly, the simple gold ring that bore his name was dropped somewhere in the kitchen after he had kissed me.

  “God that kiss … FUCK!” I screeched into the darkness, wondering if I would ever recover from it.

  River knew how to touch me. Could any man ever compare to that? Even Parker’s didn’t come close, nor other men I had tried to date after River. No one had the ability to suspend me from reality, to live in that very moment, every waking breath felt. Each kiss, touch was a symphony of the senses. A masterpiece to be savored, treasured.

  River made me feel alive, but he also could easily give me the kiss of death. My decision was unchanged, but I just wanted to remember … how it felt to be so spellbound, so electrified, wanton, and purely intrinsic.

  He had a stunning body with an unmatched ability to make a woman melt into vapid oblivion with a mere touch. Although those were all incredible to note, I had to admit they palled in comparison to what truly drew me to him—his voice.

  The raspy sound of his voice seemed to reach out to you, into your heart, gnawing at your soul. Each syllable was a balm to heal what was broken within, belting a song with his beloved string guitar on his thigh. I remembered waking up to his presence doing that, sated from our lovemaking while watching me sleep, back when he loved me just as much as I had loved him. Those days were long gone, but I still cherished them. I could comfort myself that at least I knew what it meant to love and to be loved.

  Memories came crashing down like embers from hell, bright and blazing, but never permanent, vanishing into the abyss, leaving me a speck of soot, staining my soul, forever marking my heart.

  Tears came next. I cried for what was lost and what might have been, for the past that had strangled me since birth. I wept, sobbing for feeling so alone. Loneliness was something I was accustomed to. I was akin to it. It had been my constant companion, but tonight … I wished it away, hoping it would leave me in peace for a time.

  //

  In my miserable half-asleep state, I heard a stifled ring echoing from my cell phone that was in my purse at a distance. I left it somewhere in the room, but I wasn’t quite sure where.

  It’s probably on the floor, I tried to vaguely recall.

  Unceremoniously, I slipped out of bed, donning only my lace thong as I squinted about the darkened room, scanning the black and white trellis patterned carpet. Alas, I found the shrilling thing sitting next to the door. The probability of me dropping it the second I got into my bedroom was likely.

  Plucking my clutch, I brusquely yanked it open and took hold of my offending phone.

  “Hello?” I grumbled at the intruder.

  “Are you coming or not? We’ve been waiting for half an hour now. Where are you, Sprinkles?” Anton’s exasperated voice boomed in my ear.

  “What time is it?” Scratching the side of my head, I retraced my steps and landed back on the bed, hoping I could catch a few more hours of peace and quiet.

  “It’s two in the afternoon, sweet cheeks.”

  Peace and quiet could wait. My friends had to come first.

  “Damn. Sorry, I overslept.” If being in a half state could be acknowledged as such. “I’ll be there in fifteen. Save some food for me please, I beg you. I’m hella starving.” Cutting the call, I begrudgingly got out of bed for the last time and headed straight into the bathroom to wash up.

  My blackout curtain did a fine job of not permitting any light coming through, but it made a mess of my body clock. Ever since I had it installed, getting anywhere on time was a challenge. Today was Netflix; how did I manage to forget that? It was a ritual for Anton and our other neighbor, Kells. Sundays were exclusively to lounge around, drink, and get fat in front of the television while watching a show the three of us agreed to. We were into Season Two of The Borgias.

  Speaking of food, I barely got a chance to nibble on anything last night since my dress was the sort where if one ate one too many fries and it would combust. Therefore, I had begrudgingly nibbled on a low-fat mozzarella stick to stave off hunger, promising myself that, once the party was over, I could happily pig out on waffles and fried chicken.

  Parker wouldn’t have appreciated that. The man was a health nut. And even though we had just begun dating, he had already lectured me of my high love and devotion for all things fatty and sugary. What human wouldn’t be enticed with chocolate? Parker, apparently, came from another planet. That was part of his charm, though. He was different from me. And while I lacked family, he had a huge one, mainly all working in the field of Orthodontics. That somewhat explained his disimpassioned hatred for sugary things. Unlike his family members, he pursued acting. The dark horse, as he nicely put it.

  Back to my present predicament, my stomach was making a loud protest. Feed me, it demanded.

  Dressed in a matching loose white tracksuit, I grabbed my phone and room keys before heading out the door barefoot, tiptoeing toward the elevator. Anton lived one level above me. His was a larger apartment with a much better view, which made it the perfect rendezvous spot for our lazy Sundays.

  As expected, he had his apartment door already cracked open, an impatient yet gracious gesture as they waited my arrival.

  “I’m here, I’m here!” I declared as I hurried into his place before securing the door behind me.

  Anton gave me a sheepish look. “How was the party last night? I tried to come, but something came up. I’m super-duper proud of you, honey. You know that, don’t you?” He clearly needed to shave his bear
d, but he seemed not to care, closely resembling a cub.

  Anton wasn’t one to socialize, so his excuse, or lack thereof, was already expected. As for Kells, she had worked late, so she couldn’t have made it. Her schedule deferred. If there was a music video, promotional event, or award shows, she was booked. She was a brilliant makeup artist. But even though she had a mad career, she was adamant about getting Sundays off. She said she needed it to recoup and reenergize.

  Glancing toward the other girl across the room who was clearly too keen on her waffles and fried chicken, I reverted my gaze back to my scruffy cub of a friend. “I don’t want to be rude, but can we skip the talk for a minute? Um, where’s my food?”

  Cue the angry growl of my stomach. It made me flinch in annoyance. I hated to be this desperately hungry. One should never push their body to the limits of desperation. It hadn’t been worth the dress.

  River thought otherwise, my stupid brain butted in.

  “Your grub’s on the coffee table.” Anton directed toward where Kells was situated with no care in the world, eating her heart out.

  Without much ado, I marched toward the heavenly smell and happily sighed as I sat down across form Kells. Anton had three sofas, so it gave us enough privacy while we comfortably watched our show.

  Chicken and waffles from Roscoe’s. The first bite sure felt like ambrosia on my tongue.

  “Mmm … This is the life.” My tummy happily obliged.

  “Hollywood’s going to give you an eating disorder, Cara.” Kells gave me a worried frown. “Consider yourself warned.”

  Glaring at her, I scarfed down a piece of waffle. “Don’t think so,” I mumbled before stuffing more into it.

  “Dating Parker surely would.” Kells couldn’t resist herself, knowing how neurotic and controlling Parker could be.

  Anton made an overly dramatic sigh before throwing himself on the sofa situated between us. “You can do better than that guy, but whatever makes you happy makes me happy, I guess.”

  My eyes flickered between my friends while cautiously chewing my food. They never warmed up to Parker, and the sentiment was mutual. I tried not to merge both and kept them separate. Well, as much as I could manage, anyway.

  Recognizing my uncomfortable state, Kells gave me a heartening look. “Did anything newsworthy happen last night?” Kells inquired, changing the subject before grabbing the remote and beginning to scan the screen for our show.

  Umm, nothing that I want to confess.

  Shaking my head, I turned my attention back to my food. “Hmm, no, not really. Same old, same old.” Lies. Pure and utter lies.

  “So, you haven’t had sex with Parker, then?” Kells asked playfully with a perfectly arched brow, properly displaying her amazing features, and that included her brows.

  “Not yet, no.” Was it a crime to wait? A month wasn’t enough for me to get to that point yet. Call it archaic, but what the hell? It was my body; my decision.

  “Why ever not?” Anton derided. “Don’t care much for him, but even I can say that he’s beddable.”

  Kells smirked before grinning at our friend. “At this point, Anton, you’d hump anything that has a dick.”

  He flung a plastic fork at Kells. “Sad, but true. If I don’t lose any baby fat anytime soon, I’ll forever be an emancipated virgin.”

  “Dream on. You’re as virgin as I am,” Kells interjected.

  Kells was a carefree soul, but she never failed to tangle herself with peculiar men. The last one was secretly married, and the second she had found out, she dumped the idiot. It was difficult to trust anyone around Los Angeles. People around here were a different breed of human. One surely wouldn’t know what the other person could be hiding. Maybe that was why I didn’t mind Parker so much. At least I knew what I was getting with him. Most importantly, the man wasn’t married.

  “Parker and I are fine … for the moment. I’m in no rush to get there, you know. I want to take this slow, and I think he gets that.”

  “Are you sure about that? Men like Parker don’t wait out for long. They know what they’ve got, and they use it to their advantage. And that includes knowing how the opposite sex reacts and fawns over them. I’m sure he’s not short on that.”

  “I’m ready when I’m ready. Case closed.” I would know when the right time presented itself. To be honest, after seeing how badly I reacted to my ex’s touch, how could I fathom doing the deed with a man who had the quarter of River’s sex appeal and charm? True, I was attracted to Parker, but after being severely reminded of my first love, he palled in comparison.

  It was an unkind thing to do, comparing your current beau from your last. Regardless, to this day, no one came close to River. Still, I couldn’t forget how everything had crumbled due to his inability to protect me and our relationship.

  Parker was second best, and although my heart longed for the golden days of the past, there was no turning back. Consequently, I had to continue on living and see if this relationship with Parker could blossom into something worth nurturing.

  They said being positive would enhance one’s outlook on life. Therefore, I must train my mind to see the good and caution the bad in every given situation.

  Later that night, I received a call from my boyfriend, informing me that he was coming over tomorrow for a much-needed time together. He was right; there were a few kinks we needed to iron out.

  Chapter Five

  “What’s your schedule like for the next month?” Parker gracefully wound his pasta with his spoon, neatly weaving it before slipping it into his mouth.

  We were having an early dinner at his stunning home in Toluca Lake. Even dressed in casual clothes, Parker looked insanely handsome, closely resembled a young Ryan Philippe, with the sex appeal to boot.

  At ease with each other’s company, I seemed reticent as my thoughts ran with the usual plight—River and our intense encounter. Though Parker hadn’t mentioned what had happened at the party, I could sense that something was amiss with him. He was curious.

  Back to the question at hand, I pondered what it entailed. Addison, my agent, hadn’t clued me in just yet.

  “I have a meeting lunch tomorrow; I’ll know then.” Particularly curious, I placed my fork down and reached for my wine glass. “Why? Is there anything in particular you want to know about?”

  “I just want to coordinate our schedules; that’s all,” he assured. “Do you have any new projects coming up?”

  Good question. Did I?

  “I’m not sure …” I lingered, wondering if there were new projects between my contracted shoots for Clover. Most actors did, but I was new to the industry. “What’s yours like? Will you be busy?”

  Parker had already made a name for himself, so his schedule was hectic compared to mine.

  He nodded before taking hold of the wine bottle and refilling both our glasses. “Yes, actually, but it’ll be shot in New York and Vegas. We can see each other whenever we have some free time.”

  Synchronizing our calendar was entailed when dating an actor. Best I got used to it.

  “That would be nice. I’d love to explore New York. I’ve been there once for a press junket, so all work and no play.” I haven’t been to many places. I should change that. With my steady checks from the show, I could travel to places I had only dreamt about.

  “I’d love to show you around. It’s one of my favorite places in the world. The scene is just different compared to here.” He grinned before toying with his wine glass, showcasing his fabulous set of teeth and great smile. “So, what were you and your friends up to yesterday?”

  “Netflix. You know, the works,” I immediately replied. He knew what my Sundays were filled with. Nothing had changed on that front.

  “You really need to socialize more,” he suggested softly, throwing me a curious stare and studying my reaction. “In fact, we’ll go out tonight so I can introduce you to a new set of friends.”

  It was the way he delivered the last sentence, like my pre
sent ones were not worthwhile.

  “What’s wrong with the current ones I have? I’d love to hear you explain yourself.” My strained voice didn’t hide how provoked I was.

  Hastily placing my utensils down, I took a moment to tell myself to calm down before my crazy came out and decided to throw the freshly refilled glass at his arrogant face.

  He shrugged, pretending he hadn’t just stated something offensive. “Nothing. Nothing at all. But if you want to be known, Cara, you know you have to mingle with your own kind now.”

  And what kind were Anton and Kells?

  Teeth clenched, hands bunch up, I was ready to raise Hell. “They are my kind. How dare you suggest I drop them because they’re not Hollywood enough in your own opinion.”

  “It’s being who’s who that matters here. You should surround yourself with people that can enhance your image—be seen and photographed with the ‘it’ people, and not with a repressed faggot and the tragic homewrecker.”

  How dare he use that against me.

  It was unfortunate he had been there when Kells unloaded her disastrous relationship. What a total douchebag move. Clearly this man didn’t know me. Otherwise, he would never have uttered that moronic nonsense.

  “Sorry, but that’s not why I began acting. I don’t want to be chased down by paparazzi and get hounded every second I’m out grocery shopping. If that’s the kind of life you strive for, then I think we should end this now before this gets any worse.” There was more to life than competing with whoever had the most social media followers. I got that they were important, but I wasn’t a shallow person, either. It just wasn’t me. “You better get used to it, or we have to rethink this entire relationship altogether.”

  “I was only suggesting. I didn’t mean to offend you, Cara.” Unfazed by my embroiled state, he reached for my hand, but I withdrew it from the table. “I’m sorry.”