Unapologetic (A Novel) Read online

  “I’m sure it was,” I bitterly derided.

  “Admit it, Cara; isn’t that exactly the same thing with what you’re doing with Parker Haynes?” he chided, like we were now even.

  I wanted to gouge his eyes out.

  “How dare you! Parker’s not like you. I made sure of that before giving in to him.”

  “From what I gathered, your relationship has barely started. And basing from what I know of you in the past, it’ll take another year for you to give in, Cara … Or am I mistaken on that perception, too?”

  This was an opportunity for me to prove just how much I wanted him to continue on the path he has been on for months on end, without me in it. “I am with him. And no, Parker didn’t need to wait a year to have me, because he’s everything that I’ve ever wanted.” It was a harmless white lie. River didn’t have to know every aspect of my relationship with Parker. It was none of his business.

  River thought otherwise.

  Horror, agony, mixed with disbelief crossed his befallen face. He looked as though I had physically injured him. And when my gaze fell, I saw his hand shake. I wasn’t sure if that was from anger or shock, but in all the years I had known him, I hadn’t seen him this shaken.

  “Had you not run away, we’d be married today. We said two years, remember?” A faint smile formed on his lips before he bore those saddened eyes on me again. His eyes misted as he longingly searched my face. “All those promises … The vow you gave to me …” he whispered. “I have to hear it, Cara. I have to see it come out of your lips. You have to tell me you don’t love me anymore.”

  That was supposed to be today? What luck. With steel determination, I spoke the words he demanded of me. “I’m not in love with you, River.”

  Our eyes met. Green meeting his dark, impenetrable depths. Time stood still, absorbing each other, eyes mating, challenging.

  “I don’t believe you,” he stated with certainty.

  Sooner or later, he would realize that I meant each word.

  “I wouldn’t have moved on if I did. You know me better than anyone.” There was no one in this world who knew me inside and out.

  “We were best friends before we became lovers. Or is our friendship unsalvageable as well?”

  His question took me aback.

  “Friendship?” Aghast, I wasn’t sure if he was serious. “Why would you want that?”

  “Because you’re the only family I have.”

  We had once promised that we would always have each other. No matter what happened in the future, we were each other’s emergency person. I understood that our attachment had run deep, but for him to ask such a question after the tumultuous relationship we had, I wasn’t sure how to respond. Obviously, I hadn’t expected this.

  “When you’re ready, I guess. I don’t want to pressure you right now.”

  He wanted to be friends? That entailed letting him in my life again. Too much had happened. The water was well under the bridge for me, but not for him.

  “I’m sorry for everything, Cara. I never meant to hurt you while seeking out my dream. Someday, I hope you can forgive me.” River took a step back. “I’m sorry, but I need a moment.”

  Dumbstruck, I barely nodded while watching him walk away in a mad rush. Where did he go? Should I take my leave since our conversation wasn’t going anywhere?

  Amidst contemplation, my curiosity got the best of me. There was no denying that this was out of my depth. He offered to salvage our friendship, but how did one rebuild that? It was like a coin; there were two sides, but it remained one. He was suggesting the impossible, yet for some reason, I wasn’t obliged to take my leave and walk away just yet.

  The only source of light came from somewhere down the hallway. However, I’d had enough illumination to grasp my surroundings. His house had all the makings of warmth and security a true home should have. Earth tones, a lot of wood adorned with just the right balance of masculinity without overpowering it.

  The heel of my stilettos echoed in my wake as I trailed farther into his home. From the living room, the doors opened toward the gardens. It was vast with the mountains in the back looming in the dark. To the left, there was a veranda with a fire pit blazing brightly. There he stood, deep in thought, staring blankly into its flames with a lit cigarette between finger and thumb.

  So, he smoked these days. Huh. What else was new with him?

  Watching his dark form, I felt myself mesmerized, enthralled at this beautiful man with the growing stubble shadowing his chiseled jaw. From this vantage, he looked dangerous, and God help me, he was sexier than any man had the right to be.

  Tight coils sprung from my abdomen, evident stirrings of arousal. In this regard, my attraction to him remained, unfailing and gravely more potent than I had ever felt before.

  Compelled, I slowly made my way toward him, unable to tear my eyes away from the sight of him.

  “I didn’t think you lived this far out … knowing how busy you are these days.”

  River quickly glanced at me before looking back into the distance. “I have a place in Beverly Hills, but this is home; my quiet getaway from the craziness.”

  “You have a beautiful home. You’ve really made it happen.” Embroiled with the past, a small shadow of a smile crossed my lips. Yes, I couldn’t forgive him, but I couldn’t deny how proud I was of him, either. He achieved much in the span of a few years.

  “It was my first purchase after getting that first big paycheck.”

  “You worked hard. You deserve to have it all,” I found myself saying before our gazes met and time stood still. My heart found its beat, slowly thrumming with life.

  “Does he treat you well?” he murmured, breaking the momentary spell we were trapped in.

  Dazed, I frowned. He was asking about Parker, wasn’t he?

  I couldn’t do this. I should go and call it a night.

  Licking my lips, I tightly held my red leather clutch. “It’s getting late, I guess I’ll see you around, River Ellis.”

  His eyes bore into mine, challenging me, though I wasn’t sure with what.

  I’d had enough.

  I turned my back on him, withdrawing as I retraced my steps through the house. Pulling my phone out, I sought the app to request a ride back to my place in Santa Monica. Once finished, I slid it back inside my clutch.

  Taking a deep nervous breath, I found myself in his kitchen. Then something struck me.

  I froze while all air left my body. Horrified, I was paralyzed as my eyes scanned the area, landing on framed pictures of me, of us, placed in random nooks around the kitchen. Had he just planted this? If he had, what a heartless, cruel thing to do. What was he playing at?

  Just as I was about to rush outside to demand answers, I felt his presence behind me.

  “Why!” I accusingly yelled at his face.

  “This house was supposed to be a surprise for you. It was supposed to be our home, but you had already left. Mattie said she didn’t know where you went. Of course I didn’t believe her. Mattie was the closest thing we had to a parent, and you were close to her. She wouldn’t tell me where you’d gone. I would’ve come for you had I known where you were. For days, weeks, I waited to hear … but nothing. You left me with nothing.”

  “I didn’t want to be found.” And I wanted to resurface once my sanity was restored, my heart glued back from the broken pieces.

  In a few strides, he closed the gap between us. “We often argued and fought, but never in a million years did I consider cutting you off like that, Cara,” he growled with animalistic look, seeming to restrain himself from wanting to shake me senseless. “Why did you do it?”

  “Because I couldn’t take how you were treating me, like some second-class doormat, a secret doormat at that. That’s why!” I spat back, matching his furor. “After the first movie, The Viking Mercenary, became this monster success and you became this huge actor … the gossip and the need to hide our relationship because your management forbid you to make it k
nown, I just couldn’t deal with it. The jealousy ate me. Week after week, I would read up online, where you went, what you did, who you did it with. The truth and the lies, they all became my real.”

  “But I told you none of them were true! You knew how much I fucking loved you. God, I was going to marry you, Cara. How could you be so cutthroat and heartless to someone you pledged your heart to?”

  Because it was the only weapon I had, and if I didn’t use it, he would have found a way to leave me sooner or later to the glamorous women surrounding him.

  “I’m sorry for leaving. Quite honestly, I didn’t think it would affect you that much.”

  At that point, after he had missed my birthday and called to greet me a day after, I knew it was only a matter of time before he would have dispensed of me. I did us both a favor by doing it.

  “You didn’t think? It’s very selfish of you to believe that I didn’t care. You knew how hard it’ll be, and you promised you’d stick by me through thick and thin, remember?”

  As much as I hated showing weakness, my eyes started to water as I struggled to answer him. It took a minute or so until I snapped out of my poignant trance before I opened my clutch and pulled out the promise ring he had given me before he had left to chase his dream. My heart ached at the very sight of it. I had almost forgotten about it..

  “I also came here to give this back.”

  River sneered, appearing offended, disgust sparkling in his eyes. “It seems you don’t want anything to do with me. Why don’t you just throw it away? You’re pretty good at that.”

  Why was he so reluctant to just let it go? So much had happened, and hurling insults would only make things more difficult between us.

  “What did I ever do to you to hurt me this way, Cara?” His voice cracked amidst all his anger, his pain emerging. For a moment, it gave me a glimpse of him, heartbroken and lost, without an answer after I had disappeared.

  He was breaking me down, directing questions as though he had some glimmer of hope that something could be recovered between us. What little hope he had garnered, I would effectively banish.

  “River …” I’m sorry. I had to choose me this time. No man would ever put me on my knees again like some desperate beggar dying for some of his crumbs.

  He sensed my reluctance. Gradually advancing toward me, he halted his steps before cupping my face with his large, roughened hands. “I’ll forgive and forget everything if you come back to me right now, Cara. We have everything we’ve ever wanted. We’ve accomplished so much. We’re older now and wiser. We can start over again. It’ll be better this time around. I can afford whatever your heart desires. You don’t even have to work if you don’t want to. Just say the word, and I’m yours.”

  Words were easy to say. Actions, on another hand, were another thing. Time had proven that he wasn’t one to always keep his promises, and as much as I loved him once, I wasn’t about to put myself on a platter again. Why would I put myself through that again? He should have protected what we had in the beginning. This wouldn’t have happened otherwise. There was so much at stake this time, and I couldn’t gamble on that, even if he was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

  He had too much power over me. It was terrifying to even consider submitting to those powerfully unparalleled emotions again. Without him, I was in control of my life, my destiny. Gone was the shattered, defenseless girl. I was a woman made of sterner stuff, one who couldn’t be easily dissuaded with empty promises any longer.

  “I can’t do that, River,” I stated, unwavering. “You’ve lost me forever.”

  He was horrified, dazed, and flummoxed all at once. Bereft and rendered speechless, our gazes battled, torn between love, hate, and agony. And just when I thought we had finally reached the point of no return, the damning man dipped his head to meet my lips, kissing me senseless. Urgently. Lasciviously.

  I was a riot of emotions, completely taken aback by his hungered lips. My thoughts were simultaneously a jumble and as serene as a placid river.

  His carnal intentions left me shaken. So much so that I found myself responding. It was like my lips belonged to him, to command and savor. I had forgotten how it felt to be with him, to be in his arms, to be at his mercy. Him. Just River.

  My nails dug into his chest through his shirt, feeling unbidden and out of my depth. Fevered for his touch, I felt a rush of intoxicated yearning, quite unhinged, like a myriad made by his touch. His masculine scent and the very feel of him possessed me—my very soul. River was my home sweet hell, and it seemed he was capable of placing me where he deemed I belonged, with him, beautifully creating the fires of sins that only he and I could compose. A gluttony we never knew how to relinquish nor diminish. Fire and ice, clashing and mending. A cacophony of our own written symphony.

  Chapter Three

  I felt like I was being transported back to the days when my body and mind weren’t mine to command. Like a string being pulled at whatever direction he so desired. I was his as River took full control, devouring my lips, my body.

  The spell was too potent to dispel its influence on me. The moment those masculine hands travelled about my body, feeling and cupping my breasts as he lodged one of his thighs between my legs, I knew whatever convictions I had, had all but disappeared.

  Consumed by unrivaled hunger, carnal passion took precedence, and I was at his mercy. Unequivocally.

  “I forgot what your touch feels like. You feel fucking amazing,” I sighed, out of my mind as I gasped for air, breaking our kiss while his lips trailed down my neck, leaving specks of fiery need, branding my skin as he went further down into my nether region.

  “It’ll be my pleasure to remind you, Cara.” He spoke just above my parted thighs before breathing me in with a guttural sound that almost unhinged me.

  Before I could make another sound, he softly bit the soft spot atop my moistened pussy.

  What was he waiting for? I frustratingly thought as I gazed down with such fevered need it frightened me.

  “River?” I blinked at him.

  He slowly got to his full height, expressive eyes meeting my own. “If I take you, you’ll be mine again,” he said softly before leaving a chaste kiss on my lips. “Just say the word. I need to hear you say it, my love.”

  Sucker punched. That’s what it felt like. River just brought me down to earth in the harshest way possible. How could I let myself down so humiliatingly?

  Closing my eyes, big, hot tears sprung behind my lids. It was a moment of madness; what else could one call it? To be sure, it was lust. Nothing more. Dressing it for love would be a mistake, and I surely wasn’t going to do that.

  “I can’t. I won’t.” That kiss meant nothing. Nothing at all.

  “I figured as much. Although, it was worth a shot. I hope you can forgive me for trying,” he said through a saddened smile that seemed to tear into the very core of my being.

  It was the opposite of what I had expected of him. I hadn’t imagined he would beg or anything, but for him to not fight harder wasn’t want I had anticipated.

  Distracted, he stepped back and scanned the room. “Let’s get you home, shall we?” he asked.

  Nodding in response, I meekly gazed at him through my lashes. My mind seemed hell-bent on making a statement, yet my body yearned for his touch, and the memory of how he took my body made me throb and ache for more. Alas, the man had withdrawn from my reach.

  Once he retrieved his keys, he barely glanced at me as he silently guided me toward his garage. He had a black, matted-out Range with matching all-black interiors, perfectly matching the owner’s mood, no less.

  “Where’s your place?” he asked after the engine roared to life. His eyes were directed on the dashboard as though he would rather not look at me.

  “It’s on Santa Monica and 6th Street,” I murmured back as I bit into my lip, unsure if I should break the icy barrier he had erected.

  His somewhat of a dismissal made me feel at odds. However, I understood hi
s reluctance in wanting to connect, even if it was through a mere gaze. At this moment, it might be all too much. And even though he was at war with himself, I appreciated the fact that he was gentlemanly enough to drive me home. This side of River was one of the things that had made me fall for him. He was as protective as he was encouraging.

  While he drove, Ed Sheeran’s calming voice softly crooned in the background. Confined in such a space, tension crackled between us. There was so much to be said, yet silence seemed fitting. My mind was in turmoil, as was my body. My mind, more pointedly, reprimanded my prior actions.

  It was a relief when we exited the freeway and River reached my home in no time. Without another word, he found a parking spot before killing the engine.

  In the midst of contemplation, I was just about to open my mouth to thank him for taking me home when I found him unbuckling his seatbelt.

  Wait. Where was he going?

  Panicked, I stared at him in confusion. “Uh, where do you think you’re going?” He can’t be thinking it, I inwardly bemoaned.

  In the dark, his lethal eyes dismissed any thought process I had. “I’m coming with you. I know what you’re going to say, but a lot happened tonight and all I ask is for you to spare me the worry. I just need to make sure you’re safe inside your home; that’s all. I promise, okay?”

  Was it ever really that simple? Hardly, but I was running out of energy to keep arguing.

  Disconnecting from his gaze, I let out an audible sigh and said, “Okay.”

  Emotionally fatigued, we quietly got out his Range and began to awkwardly stride next to each other toward the complex entrance. My apartment was only a few blocks from the beach and the pier. This was my home, my haven, and it troubled me that River was going to step into my territory. From here on, I would have a memory of him here, walking me home.

  I knew I had seconds until I have to breach the subject of good-bye. The finality of the word made it all the more daunting.

  Awkwardly stealing a glance at his face, he seemed as troubled as I was with his lips pressed together, as though he was holding himself back from saying something. Those lips … had devoured me, my soul, and took every ounce of sanity I had. Had he not pulled back, he would have had me writhing underneath him with no thought of the consequences.