Chasing Forever Page 17

  He strode over, hands in his pocket as he half sat on the table, facing me. “If it were up to me, I wouldn’t even have to question it.”

  This showed how much I trusted him, and how strong we were as a couple. Even though I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, I felt the need to be forthcoming with my thoughts. Our friends saw everything unfold between us—they saw it all—the ugliness and the sadness. And as much as I adored them and wanted to share this new development with them all, I felt that I needed to be sure first, that this was going to be a permanent thing and not a momentary fleeting reconciliation, before announcing to my friends and family that I was back with him.

  “Would it insult you if I asked you to keep it between us for a little while?”

  “Whatever makes you happy.”

  We had come to this. It was sad and disheartening to see us here. “I just want you to understand…”

  He pulled me into his arms, slipping me in between his legs, before looking at me with such tenderness it almost broke my heart. “You don’t have to explain anything. It’s fine. As long as I have you, I’ll be okay.”

  I hated how much we were trying to work hard on getting back what we’d had.

  “Toby, what if this doesn’t work? What if we’re just deluding ourselves here? I love—I love being with you again, but maybe we made a mistake? Wouldn’t we be better off with other people? You can be with a woman who would be readily there for you and I could be with a man—” I had to stop myself before I went overboard and said more than I intended.

  “You could go ahead and be with a man—then what, Lucy?”

  A man that loved me. A man that hadn’t been married and would only call me his wife. A man I could share a family with… a child. Toby wasn’t that man. I knew he wasn’t, and I would not force him to be one because he wanted me happy.

  “It’s nothing. I’m sure it’ll pass,” I bluffed, but his hold around my body only tightened, not letting go.

  “You want to be with someone else?” he questioned, probing into my eyes. When I didn’t respond, he went on, “Is it Troy? Do you want to be with him again?”

  “I dated him.” My heart was filled with bad things; it was time I unloaded a little of the lies I had deceptively let him believe. “Nothing came out of it except for friendship. And he’s a great friend that I can always count on. I haven’t dated since then… nor did I sleep with anyone since you…”

  “Since Rome?”

  I shook my head, smiling sadly. “Since we broke up. I tried. I even went to go as far as wanting to seduce Clive Barrington—”

  He was ready to combust. “Tell me he didn’t touch a single—”

  Licking my lips, my eyes met his stormy ones. “He didn’t. He gently declined my advances, but… that was after I kissed him.”

  “You kissed Clive?” he screeched, letting go of me as he paced around the kitchen before he stopped, looking beyond hurt. “It feels like you told me you kissed Blake. What if I told you I made out with Sienna? You just don’t come after my friends, Lucy—that’s just wrong.”

  “This was after I found out you got her pregnant. I was hurting so much that night and wanted to drown in alcohol. Clive just happened to be there. If he wasn’t there, I’m sure I would’ve found someone else to have sex with.” Remembering it brought a dull ache inside my chest. “I couldn’t even bring myself to think of letting a guy touch me. How did you think I felt when I knew you were screwing women day in and day out? And when the news of you expecting your first child…”

  His face fell, gripping the side of his head. “You left me, Lucy. How was I supposed to know any of this?”

  I wasn’t sure. “I was naïve to think that our love was different, that it was special enough—even though we were apart. I expected you to fix your family problems and come back to me when everything was fine again. That’s why I had waited… because I wasn’t sure how long it would take you to accomplish that. I waited… I waited for you.”

  “Luce, I don’t know what to say—”

  I shook my head, grabbing hold of my wine. “Don’t say anything. It’s the past, isn’t it?”

  In one go, I emptied the contents. “Should we start dinner?”

  Perplexed and apoplectic, he opened his mouth for a minute. “You want dinner?”

  No, I wanted a do-over.

  “I never thought I’d say this, but if you want to be free, I would step back. Though reluctantly, I would. As I said before, I just want you to be happy.”

  Everything around me disappeared as I met his gaze. “What do you mean?” eerily, I whispered.

  “Just keep that in mind, if that day ever comes…”

  I was at a loss. “And you’re fine with this?”

  “I know how it feels to live with regrets. Hoping you can take back time and wishing things were done differently. I don’t want that to happen to you.”

  He was referencing them, wasn’t he? He had said I would come first, and he’d meant that. It was sad to realize where I truly stood with him.

  “Thank you. I’m sure this will come in handy very soon.” My sarcasm couldn’t be hidden, yet he didn’t even try to argue with it.

  I gave him a quick glance before leaving him in the kitchen, heading upstairs. Once in the bedroom, I went straight to the closet, picking out the first black dress I saw, placing it on the chaise lounge before I started to undress myself. I was calm, composed, however I was going bat-shit crazy inside.

  Naked, I carefully chose my underwear, matching it with the black lace garter belt, before slipping on pointy-toe pump shoes. Eyeing myself sideways, I was glad to see my swimming had made a difference to my body. My curves looked more defined and my breasts seemed bigger, perkier than before. Now, off to browsing for a bra to match.

  I had barely plucked the see-through mesh when I saw his figure, watching me. Expressionless.

  “Heading somewhere?”

  “Yup.”

  He stepped into the closet, picking up the dress with curiosity, shifting it from side to side. “Mind telling me where?”

  “Dancing.”

  “You’re going to dance with a garter belt on?”

  Ha. “Sure.”

  “If you’re angry, I’m here. You can talk to me. You don’t have to go out dressed like—Luce, don’t do this.”

  I spun around to face him, catching his blatant gaze at my breasts. “You want another man to touch these, don’t you?” I asked him.

  “Fuck no—”

  “Memorize me—my body—and imagine me writhing underneath someone else, enjoying everything he’s doing to me while I slowly forget how it feels to have you inside me.”

  His nose flared, fury roaring in waves so strong I could feel it seeping out of his pores.

  “That’s what you want, right? Good. I don’t want to have regrets, either.” I reached out to get my dress from his hand, but he moved it away. “Give me that.”

  “You love driving me crazy, don’t you?” he growled, throwing the dress to the other side of the closet. Just when I was about to run to get it off the floor, I was pushed back against the full length mirror before he angrily parted my legs and hooked his fingers on the crotch of my thong then ripped it in two.

  I barely had the time to blink before I felt his cock impaling me, seating himself all the way in. I could practically feel him all the way in my stomach.

  “Memorize this cock, my dear Lucy.” He fucked me against the mirror while I hung on to him, opening my body to welcome more of his lashing. “Memorize it well. Because, once you leave, you will always come back begging for it. No man will compare.”

  God, my pussy started to contract. I shouldn’t be turned on, but his dominating side had gotten me beyond wet and horny.

  “You didn’t let anyone fuck this glorious cunt and you never will.” His hands gripped my breasts as he fucked me harder. “This. Is. My. Cunt, Lucy. It’s always been fucking mine.”

  “No. I will prove you wrong,
” I stuttered, hating and loving him at the same time.

  He immediately stopped, looking at me like a wild animal being provoked and ready to attack. “Liar. You won’t even have the guts to do it.”

  “We shall see.”

  His hand gripped my chin while I felt him pulse inside me, barely containing his rage. “Stop. Lying.”

  I wasn’t sure where this was heading, however his anger and jealousy had brought something out of me. “How can you tell I’m lying?” I taunted him.

  “I just know.”

  Arrogant ass.

  Searching his eyes, I felt his cock push further, slowly stroking and teasing the fire within me.

  “I love you.” The words had escaped my lips before I could stop them.

  “Lucy!” he warned, picking up the tempo, feeling like the mirror was about to crack from the force of his pounding.

  “Oh, baby. I’m close,” I whispered against his lips, kissing him with everything I had as he drove me into ecstasy, finally laying it all on the line.

  Then, I screamed it again, telling him how I truly felt.

  Chapter 28

  Lucy

  We were just coming off the high of our mating. He was still lodged inside me, looking at me with confusion.

  I loved him, yet he didn’t believe it. His eyes told me so. I didn’t want to say it again to make him believe me.

  “Can you take yourself off me? I need to clean up.”

  He groaned as he started licking and nipping my neck. “I will. Just give me a moment to enjoy this a little bit longer.”

  His lips then sought mine, kissing me thoroughly, senselessly. It wasn’t long before I started gyrating my hips, feeling him harden to full length.

  “Keep fucking my cock, baby.”

  My lips parted when I slid him deeper into me. As I threw my head back, one of his hands cupped my breast while the other reached to touch my clit, rubbing it earnestly as I fucked him good. Hard and fast.

  It wasn’t long until I came, twice, before it was his turn, unloading his seed into my womb.

  Our lips connected, panting and out of breath. Cupping my cheek, he kissed my lips, my nose, then my lips again. “Don’t ever ask me to let you go because I would, even if it would cost me everything.”

  I doubted I could ever walk away, but I kept that fact to myself. My thoughts were all over the place. If I could only get over what had happened in the past—his marriage, Amelia—it would make my life my much easier.

  “Do you want me to run us a bath? You could lean against me while I give you a massage.” He was grinning, stroking my cheek as if he truly cherished me.

  “Can I do a rain check? I have to get back home.” I hadn’t been to my flat since I had come back from Kent. I’d been living here this whole time.

  He looked taken aback. “You’re not staying the night?”

  “No. I was thinking of packing some items to bring here and coming back tomorrow morning. I hope that’s okay?” Why was he reacting this way? It wasn’t as if I was actually going partying after this. Besides, I was aware I’d been doing it just to taunt him. He was right; I would never have the guts to do it because I was his, and I simply loved him too much.

  “Oh…” His face softened before touching his lips against mine, brushing them lightly before whispering into my ear, “We can go together and sleep the night in your flat if you like.”

  When he became this amorous towards me, I melted like a sappy idiot.

  “I’m not going out…” My nose angled to the base of his neck, breathing him in, wanting to prolong this feeling—this overabundance of love that freely flowed through me.

  His arm tightened around me, like he was just as spellbound as I was. “I know.”

  Maybe one day, when things settled down, given time, he could start loving me again…

  “Toby?”

  “Hmm?”

  “I wasn’t planning to really walk out that door to go out—” I paused, adding, “I mean, I would if I had sought you and you hadn’t cared less…”

  He pulled back to study my face. “You’re not like the others out there. You’re sentimental,” he touched my heart, “in here.” Blue eyes searched mine, telling me something I couldn’t decipher. “You’re one of the good girls, Luce.”

  Was that a bad thing? They did say good girls got walked on… Amelia clearly wasn’t the type, so what had attracted him to her? She was beautiful, and of course, she had said that time during Christmas that they’d had amazing sex…

  His dick was inside me still and he was getting hard again. This cock had been in someone else’s vagina, pleasuring her body like it did with mine…

  I knew what he’d done, but if I broke it down like that, the pain only intensified.

  “Did I say something awful? You seem to be in pain…” he asked, worried as he lifted my chin, searching for some indication.

  I was in pain, but my wounds weren’t visible—the kind that didn’t heal, the kind that never stopped bleeding, the kind that killed you yet you remained alive. It was that kind of pain.

  Staring into the eyes of the man I had given my heart to, I couldn’t help asking the question that nagged in the back of my mind. “How was sex with her? Was it better than this?”

  “This is such an inconvenient time to ask such questions—I’m stuck inside you, incase that left your notice.”

  “Just answer the question.”

  “It’s different.”

  Why was he stalling? He knew what I wanted to know.

  “Define different for me.”

  He groaned, hating every second of this interrogation. “She was experienced in different styles,” he said wretchedly. “I don’t know… it’s just different.”

  If Amelia had managed to keep Blake Knightly entertained for months, then she probably was a dynamite in bed.

  “And that excited you, didn’t it?” Like giving a kid chocolate for the first time.

  He suddenly looked nervous before finally obliging me, “I suppose, in the beginning.”

  So much for pining for our broken relationship; he’d fucked himself through it all.

  “Did you use condoms at least?”

  My question was intrusive, but had it been me in the situation, I knew he’d be worse than me. Blake was meticulous about protection until Sienna—so for Toby to go with or without it with Amelia—it would give me a better scope of how deep his connection was with her.

  “Lucy—” he warned, turning a bit red.

  “Did you? Or did you not?” It was plain and simple.

  “No, she was on the pill,” he huffed out, irritated at my nagging. “No more questions; I’m done answering.”

  I had one more then I would be through with this. “I just need to know one more thing…”

  Shutting his lids, nostrils flaring, chest heaving, he said, “Go on, ask me.”

  “Courchevel. Christmas. Did you fuck her there, too?”

  His eyes immediately snapped open. “Let me explain—”

  “There’s no need. I just want to know the outcome. You did, didn’t you? While I was only a few doors down from your bedroom…” I was digging my grave and I knew it, but this detail was important for me. It was vital.

  “Yes… I did, and I’m sorry for that.”

  I nodded, feeling sick to my stomach. I had waited every night for him to seek me out, but he had never come. That was the first time I had seen him after we’d broken up, and I had seen him with a new woman at his side. That was when he’d really broken my heart, and it had never the same since.

  “I need to go to the bathroom—” The acid churned in my stomach. It agonizingly simmered, mixing along with my pain, boiling until it was ready to erupt.

  “Now?” He panicked as he pulled off me before cradling my body towards the bathroom. “Tell me what to do—” he said frantically while I shook my head, covering my mouth with my hand.

  Hovering around the toilet area, I managed to hold down
the vile that was threatening to come out. “Close the door. I need to be alone.”

  He did as I asked. At the sound of the door latch locking in place, all the sickening, evil retched out of my stomach. Everything came out—the past, the present and the future—until I was left with nothing, like an empty carapace.

  You’ll always be this way if you stay with him, my heart whispered like a warning.

  I wished I knew what to do. In a sense, I knew what the right thing to do was, but my main problem was how to go about it without hurting myself more. I knew what it felt like not having him in my life. True, I had been living, but that was all it had been, living and breathing. With him came the pain and heartache, yet I had never felt more alive, and at times, when I let it, we were happy.

  The knock on the door made me flush the toilet before reaching out for a face towel. I was on my feet when the door pushed open and then remained hovering around the entrance, looking as bad as I did.

  “Is there anything I can do to help you?” he asked in a hollow voice.

  I shook my head, reaching for the faucet to wash my face. “I’ll be fine.”

  Once I finished, I felt him move to the side, giving me space without saying anything.

  Dizzy from exhaustion, I strode straight to the bedroom and slid into bed, curling like a ball as I closed my eyes, hoping I’d wake up tomorrow and the sorrow in my heart would no longer exist.

  The bed dipped before I felt his warm body next to mine, pulling me against his chest, hugging me from behind. His warmth brought comfort, making me feel secure and safe. At that moment, I desperately needed to know that he would be there for me, and I was glad that he was.

  “There are not enough words to tell you how sorry I am. I wish there was something I could do to make everything go back to the way we were. I hurt when you hurt,” he said succinctly. “I hope this doesn’t make you leave me again. Give me time to make this right; I won’t stop until we’re back to how we once were. Don’t give me up just yet, I beg you.”

  “Just hold me,” I whispered. “Please.”

  All night he held me. Not once letting me go. I took that as I sign. That maybe we just needed time to heal together.